春天的17个瞬间（笑话）[转帖]

谍报员施季里茨
瞬间一：
走在帝国大使馆的走廊里，施季里茨感觉到了跟踪并意识到他已经暴露了。只有一件事
他不明白，就是究竟是什么出卖了他：也许是他的红军防水油布靴子或口袋里的一包俄
国烟？也许是军帽上的红星？而且还可能是他肩上的半自动步枪？
瞬间二：
施季里茨走到树林里去采蘑菇。他走遍了整个树林，也没找到一个蘑菇。经过长时间的
思索，分析了手中所有的材料，他得出了结论——季节不对。于是他从雪堆上站起来回
家去了。
瞬间三：
“祝贺您儿子的出生！”来自中心的电报这样写着。施季里茨喜极而泣——这个勇敢的
谍报员已经有20年没有回过家了。
瞬间四：
施季里茨突然闯入了希特勒的府第，那里正在举行秘密会议。他也没打招呼就径直走向
保险柜，用他的万能钥匙打开了保险柜，在里面乱翻了5分钟，然后在胳肢窝下面夹了一
摞文件，离开了。
几分钟后，（由于惊吓）希特勒才恢复了说话能力，并且问“那人是谁？”
“苏联间谍伊萨耶夫，在这里的名字是施季里茨。”谬勒一边剔牙一边冒冒失失地说。

“你们怎么不抓住他？”
“没用，他总能逃脱。”
瞬间五：
希特勒的保险柜里丢了一些秘密文件。5天过去了，还没找到。最后希特勒给斯大林发了
封电报
“是你的人拿走了我的文件吗？”
当天，施季里茨收到了中心的密电：“尤斯塔斯， 如果是你从希特勒同志的保险柜里拿
了文
件，最后一定要给放回去。人们正担心呢。”
瞬间六：
....
....
很多瞬间过去了
....
....
瞬间十七：
施季利茨在早上醒来，弄不明白自己是谁。他想，如果听到的是德语，他是施季利茨，
如果听到
的是俄语，他是伊萨耶夫，但是
这时候他听到一个声音对他说：你是吉洪诺夫。你昨天喝了太多酒，醉了。
（吉洪诺夫是施季利茨的扮演者的名字。）
翻的一部分，附英文原文，也狂乐：
On the 23rd of February (which is the Day of the Red Army in the Soviet Unio
n) Stirlitz would put on his Red Army uniform cap and, having drunk a bottle
of vodka, would sit down and play his accordion. But this time he headed fo
r a Berlin rathskeller. He aligned the Gestapo policemen, who were having a
good time there, made them march and sing Russian revolutionary songs. Only
when he had gotten home he realized how close he had been to exposure on tha
t day.
Drunken Stirlitz went out of a rathskeller, proposing to go to a brothel, bu
t fell asleep with his face down into a puddle. Exactly in 15 minutes the ex
perienced spy will wake up and continue his hard work, essential for Motherl
and.
There were 93 irons and three lamps on the windowsill. Stirlitz realized tha
t the secret address had been exposed. Five irons were missing.
Stirlitz peeped into a hollow and saw gleaming eyes. “An eagle-owl”, he th
ought. “You are an eagle-owl yourself”, Borman thought.
A brick fell down on Stirlitz's head. “There you are!”, the spy thought. “
There you are not”, Borman thought, throwing another bigger brick.
Stirlitz went to the forest to collect mushrooms. He searched the entire for
est, but found none. After long considerations, taking into account all the
data available, he concluded that the season was wrong. He got up from the s
nowdrift and went home.
Stirlitz came up to the window and blew his nose into the curtain. No, it wa
s not a prearranged signal, he just longed to feel Russian officer Colonel I
sayev.
Borman dropped to Stirlitz's and saw him very drunk surrounded by naked danc
ers and piles of bottles. A note was lying about on the floor. Borman picked
it up and read: “Mission complete. Can relax. Center”.
Gestapo intercepted an encrypted message which read: “Justas, you asshole.
Alex”. Only Stirlitz could figure out that he had been conferred the rank o
f the Hero of the Soviet Union.
“Congratulations upon your son's birth”, a message from the Center read. S
tirlitz even cried for joy: the brave spy had not been at home for twenty ye
ars.
Stirlitz thought. He liked it, and he thought again.
Stirlitz was lying on the floor, pretending to be a fag.
Stirlitz and Eismann were walking down the street. A shot was fired and Eism
ann fell down bleeding. Stirlitz walked another hundred yards and concluded
that something was wrong there. He pricked up his ears.
Stirlitz's house was besieged by an SS company. They knocked at the door. “
I am not in, you geeks”, the standartenführer grumbled through the door. T
he soldiers left. That's it, the talented Russian spy has twisted them round
his finger again.
“It is nice to be part of the old boy network”, Stirlitz thought with reli
ef, coming out of the German State Radio Department, admiring the license fo
r his transceiver which was prolonged due to Schellenberg's call. Stirlitz d
id not know that Schellenberg had gotten addicted to Russian vodka and knew
that without his radio Stirlitz could not get it from the Center regularly.
That is why he took the pains!
“Where did you learn to shoot so well?” Schellenberg asked Stirlitz. “In
Moscow Military Academy”, Stirlitz rapped out and began to think if he had
blurted out too much.
Stirlitz suddenly enters during a secret meeting in Hitler's palace and with
out saying hello heads for the safe, opens it with his passkey and, ransacki
ng it for five minutes, leaves with a pile of documents under his armpit. In
a few minutes Hitler is able to speak again and he asks who it was. “Sovie
t spy Isayev, known as Stirlitz here”, carelessly answers Müller, working
with his toothpick. “Why don't you arrest him?!” “No use, he would always
get away”.
Driving on a highway, Stirlitz saw Müller who was trying to get a lift. Sti
rlitz nearly stopped but he thought: “I cannot give a lift to the Nazi hang
man who killed hundreds of Soviet people, can I?”. After a while he saw him
again. “I don't have to let this dirty double-dealing swine into my car, d
o I”, Stirlitz twisted his mouth and went on. Seeing Müller for the third
time, he just thought, “Beltway”.
Some secret documents were missing form Hitler's safe. Five days passed but
they were not found. Finally Hitler sent a wire to Stalin: “Did your men ta
ke my dox?” On the same day Stirlitz got an encrypted message from the Cent
er: “Justas, if you took documents from Comrade Hitler's safe, please put t
hem back at last, people worry.”
Passing by the Reich chancellery corridors, Stirlitz felt close looks and re
alized that he had been exposed. The only thing he could not understand was
what had betrayed him. Probably, his Red Army tarpaulin boots or a pack of R
ussian cigarettes in his pocket. Maybe, his uniform cap with the red star. A
nd maybe his Russian submachine-gun on his shoulder.
German generals are waiting in line to get their special ration in an underg
round shelter. Enter Stirlitz. He pushes everybody away and jumps the queue.
The angry generals did not know that the Heroes of the Soviet Union must be
served out of turn.
Stirlitz wakes up in the morning and cannot understand where he is. He think
s: if he hears German spoken, his name is Stirlitz. If he hears Russian, he
is Isayev. Suddenly he hears a voice which says: “Well, you drank too much
yesterday, Mr. Tikhonov” (the name of the actor who starred the movie).谍报员施季里茨
瞬间一：
走在帝国大使馆的走廊里，施季里茨感觉到了跟踪并意识到他已经暴露了。只有一件事
他不明白，就是究竟是什么出卖了他：也许是他的红军防水油布靴子或口袋里的一包俄
国烟？也许是军帽上的红星？而且还可能是他肩上的半自动步枪？
瞬间二：
施季里茨走到树林里去采蘑菇。他走遍了整个树林，也没找到一个蘑菇。经过长时间的
思索，分析了手中所有的材料，他得出了结论——季节不对。于是他从雪堆上站起来回
家去了。
瞬间三：
“祝贺您儿子的出生！”来自中心的电报这样写着。施季里茨喜极而泣——这个勇敢的
谍报员已经有20年没有回过家了。
瞬间四：
施季里茨突然闯入了希特勒的府第，那里正在举行秘密会议。他也没打招呼就径直走向
保险柜，用他的万能钥匙打开了保险柜，在里面乱翻了5分钟，然后在胳肢窝下面夹了一
摞文件，离开了。
几分钟后，（由于惊吓）希特勒才恢复了说话能力，并且问“那人是谁？”
“苏联间谍伊萨耶夫，在这里的名字是施季里茨。”谬勒一边剔牙一边冒冒失失地说。

“你们怎么不抓住他？”
“没用，他总能逃脱。”
瞬间五：
希特勒的保险柜里丢了一些秘密文件。5天过去了，还没找到。最后希特勒给斯大林发了
封电报
“是你的人拿走了我的文件吗？”
当天，施季里茨收到了中心的密电：“尤斯塔斯， 如果是你从希特勒同志的保险柜里拿
了文
件，最后一定要给放回去。人们正担心呢。”
瞬间六：
....
....
很多瞬间过去了
....
....
瞬间十七：
施季利茨在早上醒来，弄不明白自己是谁。他想，如果听到的是德语，他是施季利茨，
如果听到
的是俄语，他是伊萨耶夫，但是
这时候他听到一个声音对他说：你是吉洪诺夫。你昨天喝了太多酒，醉了。
（吉洪诺夫是施季利茨的扮演者的名字。）
翻的一部分，附英文原文，也狂乐：
On the 23rd of February (which is the Day of the Red Army in the Soviet Unio
n) Stirlitz would put on his Red Army uniform cap and, having drunk a bottle
of vodka, would sit down and play his accordion. But this time he headed fo
r a Berlin rathskeller. He aligned the Gestapo policemen, who were having a
good time there, made them march and sing Russian revolutionary songs. Only
when he had gotten home he realized how close he had been to exposure on tha
t day.
Drunken Stirlitz went out of a rathskeller, proposing to go to a brothel, bu
t fell asleep with his face down into a puddle. Exactly in 15 minutes the ex
perienced spy will wake up and continue his hard work, essential for Motherl
and.
There were 93 irons and three lamps on the windowsill. Stirlitz realized tha
t the secret address had been exposed. Five irons were missing.
Stirlitz peeped into a hollow and saw gleaming eyes. “An eagle-owl”, he th
ought. “You are an eagle-owl yourself”, Borman thought.
A brick fell down on Stirlitz's head. “There you are!”, the spy thought. “
There you are not”, Borman thought, throwing another bigger brick.
Stirlitz went to the forest to collect mushrooms. He searched the entire for
est, but found none. After long considerations, taking into account all the
data available, he concluded that the season was wrong. He got up from the s
nowdrift and went home.
Stirlitz came up to the window and blew his nose into the curtain. No, it wa
s not a prearranged signal, he just longed to feel Russian officer Colonel I
sayev.
Borman dropped to Stirlitz's and saw him very drunk surrounded by naked danc
ers and piles of bottles. A note was lying about on the floor. Borman picked
it up and read: “Mission complete. Can relax. Center”.
Gestapo intercepted an encrypted message which read: “Justas, you asshole.
Alex”. Only Stirlitz could figure out that he had been conferred the rank o
f the Hero of the Soviet Union.
“Congratulations upon your son's birth”, a message from the Center read. S
tirlitz even cried for joy: the brave spy had not been at home for twenty ye
ars.
Stirlitz thought. He liked it, and he thought again.
Stirlitz was lying on the floor, pretending to be a fag.
Stirlitz and Eismann were walking down the street. A shot was fired and Eism
ann fell down bleeding. Stirlitz walked another hundred yards and concluded
that something was wrong there. He pricked up his ears.
Stirlitz's house was besieged by an SS company. They knocked at the door. “
I am not in, you geeks”, the standartenführer grumbled through the door. T
he soldiers left. That's it, the talented Russian spy has twisted them round
his finger again.
“It is nice to be part of the old boy network”, Stirlitz thought with reli
ef, coming out of the German State Radio Department, admiring the license fo
r his transceiver which was prolonged due to Schellenberg's call. Stirlitz d
id not know that Schellenberg had gotten addicted to Russian vodka and knew
that without his radio Stirlitz could not get it from the Center regularly.
That is why he took the pains!
“Where did you learn to shoot so well?” Schellenberg asked Stirlitz. “In
Moscow Military Academy”, Stirlitz rapped out and began to think if he had
blurted out too much.
Stirlitz suddenly enters during a secret meeting in Hitler's palace and with
out saying hello heads for the safe, opens it with his passkey and, ransacki
ng it for five minutes, leaves with a pile of documents under his armpit. In
a few minutes Hitler is able to speak again and he asks who it was. “Sovie
t spy Isayev, known as Stirlitz here”, carelessly answers Müller, working
with his toothpick. “Why don't you arrest him?!” “No use, he would always
get away”.
Driving on a highway, Stirlitz saw Müller who was trying to get a lift. Sti
rlitz nearly stopped but he thought: “I cannot give a lift to the Nazi hang
man who killed hundreds of Soviet people, can I?”. After a while he saw him
again. “I don't have to let this dirty double-dealing swine into my car, d
o I”, Stirlitz twisted his mouth and went on. Seeing Müller for the third
time, he just thought, “Beltway”.
Some secret documents were missing form Hitler's safe. Five days passed but
they were not found. Finally Hitler sent a wire to Stalin: “Did your men ta
ke my dox?” On the same day Stirlitz got an encrypted message from the Cent
er: “Justas, if you took documents from Comrade Hitler's safe, please put t
hem back at last, people worry.”
Passing by the Reich chancellery corridors, Stirlitz felt close looks and re
alized that he had been exposed. The only thing he could not understand was
what had betrayed him. Probably, his Red Army tarpaulin boots or a pack of R
ussian cigarettes in his pocket. Maybe, his uniform cap with the red star. A
nd maybe his Russian submachine-gun on his shoulder.
German generals are waiting in line to get their special ration in an underg
round shelter. Enter Stirlitz. He pushes everybody away and jumps the queue.
The angry generals did not know that the Heroes of the Soviet Union must be
served out of turn.
Stirlitz wakes up in the morning and cannot understand where he is. He think
s: if he hears German spoken, his name is Stirlitz. If he hears Russian, he
is Isayev. Suddenly he hears a voice which says: “Well, you drank too much
yesterday, Mr. Tikhonov” (the name of the actor who starred the movie).